Ex-boyfriends...ugh
A VERY valid idea by Miranda from the HBO show Sex and the City... "Can't they just round up all our ex-boyfriends and put them on an island somewhere so we never, ever have to see them again?" Agreed! Just seeing pictures of my ex brings the memory of heartbreak to the surface, never mind seeing the ex face-to-face! That's a whole other dilemma. And it happened a few days ago. I saw him, felt pain and wanted to rob Charlie's Chocolate Factory, swim in a sea of soda and eat Cheetos and Fritos and Doritos. My usual response to heart pain is just that. Sugar, fast food, sweatpants and the couch, followed by staying up too late, self-loathing in the mirror that weirdly adds 40lbs to everything and enhances under-eye dark circles. Can't sleep because my brain can't turn off about how much love sucks when it's over and how weak I am to the ice-cream, soda and chips that stopped tasting good after the 2nd bite, but I ate anyway. No sleep before so I sleep in too late the next day (darker eye circles), upset tummy, back in the sweats, back on the couch, make-shift breakfast and wishing I hadn't eaten all the bad food I bought yesterday because all I want is more now so I can repeat the process another day just to make sure I've punished myself enough to make it really count. It's terrible, it's horrible and I am so tired of allowing myself to go through that pattern so many times in the past.
This time was different. I was so proud of myself. I saw the ex, cried in the car on the way home (thinking about ice-cream, soda and chips), talked myself past the grocery store, past the 7-11, past the self-checkout Walmart (used so many times to buy crap food in secret), and straight to my house. I talked out loud to myself through why I was really crying and came to the conclusion that it was okay to feel sad, but I needed to leave it at the door. I wasn't going to give in to my past routine. I did a few things around the house, made some dinner and I did watch TV, but I didn't dwell in the sadness. The next day I woke up, went for a 2 mile walk, went to the pool and read a magazine, took a nap, made two new recipes and didn't shed a tear. It was a very productive day.
Kelly = 1
Sadness Sabotage = 0
The morale of it all is there is no way to round up all ex-boyfriends up and ship them off to an island so in the future I may or may not run in to my ex-boyfriend and I may or may not feel sadness about the lost relationship and that's just going to have to be okay. I will get through it. My friends, my family and my determination will keep me strong. Thank you to all of you who support me through all of this re-training. :-) It is definitely an experiment.
Love,
Kel
